I’ve not written anything very personal on here before but this is something I was thinking about the other night as I was trying to fall asleep and I wanted to share it on here. I am depressed, I’m not actually sure how long I have been depressed for, but I think it’s since April 2017. I’m not going to share why I am depressed or talk about my situation, because I’m not sure this is the best place to discuss my problems, but I do want to talk about what it feels like to be depressed.
A few evenings ago, I was sat on my bed and I looked at my floor and told myself, “You should really tidy up, Molly.”, I knew that it was the logical thing to do, but I genuinely couldn’t bring myself to stand. I thought I should brush my hair, probably have a shower, make myself some dinner, you know, the usual stuff. But the idea of even doing these things exhausted me, I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, even the lovely friends I live with, because it meant smiling and being ‘fine’. I couldn’t face the effort of showering, shampooing AND conditioning my hair, and then untangling it, and then drying it?! All things that used to be part of my daily routine, that I didn’t even think about, were impossible tasks I couldn’t face.
And then my brain piped up and said: “Stop being lazy you idiot!”
And then I started feeling negative about myself, wondering if I wasn’t depressed, I was just lazy and useless.
These feelings took over for half an hour or so as I tossed and turned, telling myself off for not getting enough done.
Then I realised, I am not lazy.
I am doing a degree, running a blog, writing for a magazine and juggling part-time jobs, I eat ok, I leave the house in (what I think is) a presentable state, I always have clean (ish) clothes and my room isn’t always a bombsite.
I am just depressed. And sometimes, a day, a week or a month of not being able to do the things I normally do because it drains me physically and emotionally is just a part of this condition.
Being in the blogging community, it is clear a lot of bloggers use their space online as a therapy. I know I certainly do. My blog has given me a purpose, something I enjoy, and even on the days I couldn’t drag myself out of bed this summer, I could still pull my laptop onto my bed and write something. I didn’t write about my ‘feelings’ as some therapists might have suggested, I didn’t do dissertation work, I just wrote anything. Somehow my writing turned into blog posts and it made me feel a thousand times better to know that even though I hadn’t achieved what I was meant to be doing, I had achieved something.
Mental health struggles are not discussed enough. This means that those who suffer from problems like depression can feel alone, or lazy or useless. I wanted to write this post because I thought that if someone who is feeling similar reads this, they might understand that depression stops you from wanting to do normal things. Sometimes you’re fine, you can have a laugh and enjoy a day. Sometimes the idea of washing your hair is just too exhausting. And that is ok.
I’m off to run a bath so I get to lie down and wash my hair at the same time.