Am I depressed or just lazy?

I’ve not written anything very personal on here before but this is something I was thinking about the other night as I was trying to fall asleep and I wanted to share it on here. I am depressed, I’m not actually sure how long I have been depressed for, but I think it’s since April 2017. I’m not going to share why I am depressed or talk about my situation, because I’m not sure this is the best place to discuss my problems, but I do want to talk about what it feels like to be depressed.

A few evenings ago, I was sat on my bed and I looked at my floor and told myself, “You should really tidy up, Molly.”, I knew that it was the logical thing to do, but I genuinely couldn’t bring myself to stand. I thought I should brush my hair, probably have a shower, make myself some dinner, you know, the usual stuff. But the idea of even doing these things exhausted me, I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, even the lovely friends I live with, because it meant smiling and being ‘fine’. I couldn’t face the effort of showering, shampooing AND conditioning my hair, and then untangling it, and then drying it?! All things that used to be part of my daily routine, that I didn’t even think about, were impossible tasks I couldn’t face.

And then my brain piped up and said: “Stop being lazy you idiot!”

And then I started feeling negative about myself, wondering if I wasn’t depressed, I was just lazy and useless.

hhhh

These feelings took over for half an hour or so as I tossed and turned, telling myself off for not getting enough done.

Then I realised, I am not lazy.

 

I am doing a degree, running a blog, writing for a magazine and juggling part-time jobs, I eat ok, I leave the house in (what I think is) a presentable state, I always have clean (ish) clothes and my room isn’t always a bombsite.

I am just depressed. And sometimes, a day, a week or a month of not being able to do the things I normally do because it drains me physically and emotionally is just a part of this condition.

Being in the blogging community, it is clear a lot of bloggers use their space online as a therapy. I know I certainly do. My blog has given me a purpose, something I enjoy, and even on the days I couldn’t drag myself out of bed this summer, I could still pull my laptop onto my bed and write something. I didn’t write about my ‘feelings’ as some therapists might have suggested, I didn’t do dissertation work, I just wrote anything. Somehow my writing turned into blog posts and it made me feel a thousand times better to know that even though I hadn’t achieved what I was meant to be doing, I had achieved something.

Mental health struggles are not discussed enough. This means that those who suffer from problems like depression can feel alone, or lazy or useless. I wanted to write this post because I thought that if someone who is feeling similar reads this, they might understand that depression stops you from wanting to do normal things. Sometimes you’re fine, you can have a laugh and enjoy a day. Sometimes the idea of washing your hair is just too exhausting. And that is ok.

I’m off to run a bath so I get to lie down and wash my hair at the same time.

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4 thoughts on “Am I depressed or just lazy?”

  1. Ah lovely lady, reading this left me feeling really sad. You are so brave for writing about something so personal. Like you, I find writing really therapeutic and my motto is always ‘do whatever gets you through the day’. I’ve been depressed, I had terribly crippling clinical depression when I was just 17. It was, without doubt, the hardest challenge of my life to date so I get you. Please know that you are not lazy. It isn’t even a choice for you, you don’t have the choice to get up and clean up or take a shower. You have depression and therefore the chemicals imbalance calls the shots. I remember giving up on myself so much I rarely showered, I rarely got dressed and I rarely went out. It sounds like you are doing absolutely amazing taking care of you and ensuring you get out and about – you are doing amazing so don’t be hard on yourself, be kind to yourself. You are doing awesome. Big love x

    1. I’m sorry it made you sad!! Thank you so much for reading and for your kind kind words! It is great to know other people understand. Thank you, lots of love back to you xxxxx

  2. Such an insightful post Molly. I’m slowly learning that there are days when I’m not going to get what I ‘should’ get done done and that sometimes it’s more important to allow myself to be still x

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